I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
