I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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