FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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