I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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