My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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