Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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