This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
