U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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