Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
