My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
