if i can run in heels then i can drive
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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