There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
