I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
