I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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