who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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