I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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