he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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