i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
