her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
