chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
