We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
