i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
