There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
