before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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