she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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