Got a toothbrush?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
