Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions