I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
