You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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