Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
