Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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