Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
