apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
