IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
