my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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