Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
