Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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