I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
As shirtless as possible
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
