I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
