i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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