We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
