the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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