Your face is a jimmy john
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
