Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
