Girls should come with a carfax report
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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