Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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