Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
