when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
