the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
