This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
