saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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