Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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