i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
