I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
