he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
