My nipple is on Facebook.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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