her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
