I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
