maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
